Iraq : The George Bush Success Story!

With my inaugural blog posting, I think it appropriate to convey something very near, and oh so dear, to my heart. The triumph story of a Texan and his war over tyranny. And how he won. It's a long read, but I like to think of it as a delightfully intelligent analysis of good prevailing over evil :

Iraq, Middle East. 2002. Where chaos and anarchy reigned as the freedom and virtue of the people was stripped of them by He Who Must Not Be Named. A land where children weeped well into the night, longing for the time they will finally get American macaroni and cheese and be able to tune into their television sets to watch quality programming such as 24 and Sleeper Cell. Where women are forced to where a rag to cover their body, depriving the nation of the requisite long legs and "Gone Wild" status to satisfactorily fulfill the skank quota every country needs to account for. Where there is desert everywhere even when there isn't a desert. Crazy.

"Please Allah, let us finally be wild!"

Thousands of miles away, in a land whose affairs seemingly had no right to interfere with Iraqi culture and society, there were a couple of crazy and wild guys. Guys who believed in the word "freedom" and "Kick-Fucking-Ass" (Hyphenated words count as one). Where one of them, even during the tragedy of 9/11, had the balls to continue reading to needy, deprived middle class white children, showing no recognition that over 4000 individuals just died. That man is what we should all call leader. A latterday Superman, if not of body at least of mind and soul. George Bush is what they call him, and his trusty sidekick Cheney, too.

These are REAL mean. With balls.

With the devastation reeked by Osama bin Laden and his primarily Iran-situated Taliban cronies already done and over with, it was time to take charge of the situation. It was time to capture those responsible. It was time to rain the pain. On Iraq and Saddam Hussein (Whoops, guess I will name him). And no, the rhyming was not intentional. When you have my prodigious writing skills, literary conventions beckon without my call. Anyways, the destination is Iraq, and no matter the ethical or humane conundrums that may arise, America was going to stomp a good old fashioned kick to the nuts serving of freedom into these non-Christian barbarians. Just like it was said in 1812, it would be a simple matter of walking in and taking it. And that it was. With congress completely sanctioning the war (And are now being a bunch of Indian-giving pricks about it), Bush, Cheney, and the American Armed forces had free reign to march in and kick some WMD and Saddam ass.

"Look at us. We're fucking babies. Give us back our Congressional vote!"

Even with the United Nations firmly against the United States decision (Especially those Jesus-deprived, wine and cheese consuming French)to launch a war, George Bush and Dick Cheney gave them the one finger salute and saddled up with Britain, apparently the only other country on Earth that believes in compassion and democracy. And so, even though currently costing America over $220 billion dollars, on March 19, 2003, the war happened. And just like that, it ended. On April 9th, Baghdad fell, and the U.S troops prevailed. God has obviously shown himself (Yes, him) to be pro-democracy. Even still, there were a few insurgencies, beheadings, assassinations, and the occasional mass torturing of captured Iraqi troops. But that comes with the territory. It was December 13, 2003, that the big cheese himself, the Hussein, was captured, found hiding in a hole near his hometown of Tikrit. This was the triumph the United States and their affiliated oil conglomerates wanted.

"Oh, essei, I'm so sleepy."

Who knew the home of Satan was a 4x6 rectangular ditch?

And so a new era rained down upon the Iraqi people, showering them in the cold drizzle of freedom. And seeing as they are in the desert, it probably refreshed them, too. Now they can live in an era that allows them to elect their next dictator instead of suffering through a leader who claimed that right without going through the proper democratic channels. But even with this new golden age for Iraq, some still don't seem to be with the program. Lunatic theocratic nutjobs still perform acts such as car bombings and assassinations to get their way. Well guess what Mr. Alibombalot, it ain't happening. The United States of America does not negotiate with terrorists, only corporations. Logic dictates that the population of Iraq is too large for suicide bombings to kill everyone. It is with this Logic that George Bush continues to astound the world with his magnificent leadership. Keep 'em coming terrorists.

Only killed 22 this time? There's still 26, 074, 906 left, buddy.

So, on the home front the argument is whether or not the troops should come home. The answer is no. These men, and women, need to stay there to show the Iraqi people that they are there to defend them until they can defend themselves. They need to be there to show that the United States cares. Sure, many are still dying with little to no action being done to slow it down, but hey, they're doing a swell job without any body armour. But really, armour schmarmour, these troops have patriotism protecting their vital arteries. Okay, some anti-war advocates would tout around numbers like 31,000 civilians dead or that there are over 2,000 dead American troops. But looking at retrospectively, this war was nothing. World War I had over 53,000 American deaths, WWII had 292,000 deaths, Vietnam adding an extra 47,000*. So in comparison, 2,000 is a walk in the park. It's history folks, learn it. Another reason they should stay? They're happy with their jobs. Anyone ever consider that? That they think what they're doing is an act of utmost charity? The last reason, is of course, they have service contracts. And extending that contract to allow them to stay longer (upwards of 20 extra years) is an act that only men like George Bush and Dick Cheney can approve of. These men have nuts. Freedom nuts.

This war rocks so hard, these Marines just had to bust out the bongos and have a good ol' fashioned mamba