Huh, I Completely Forgot...

...that I even had a stupid blog. I should take more care of this thing. So, um, yeah I'm posting again. Good times, good times...



So.......I wonder if anybody even remembers this thing exists. I mean, I know I sure as hell didn't. So, guess I should, like, type something funny or whatever it was that I did. Because, like, I was funny and stuff (I think). I had stuff to say (well, type) and it was all cool and everything.



Well, I'm no longer that person. It's 2007, and I've become a cynically depressive prick. Last year of school, no set future goals, massive debt awaiting me at the end of the rainbow. It's like a molotav cocktail of suckage. Only instead of the awesome pyro-gastic explosion it creates a blackhole of despair, sucking away all my hopes and dreams of the future.



Yep, life sucks. And if you, for whatever reason, are a kid who stumbled upon this site (maybe looking for things that were, you know, good) don't let your delusions of a bright and happy future fool you. Life will come and bite off your prepubescent testicles (or burrow away at your ovaries) and spit 'em in your face. Laughing and raping your mother as it molests you.



But at least there's still Halo 3 next week.



Because Halo 3 rocks.



Your cocks.

Murder Inc.

I've always been a big proponent of the US, and as such have always felt Canada to be, well, lacking. It always seemed British North America has taken a back seat to America, played second fiddler to Uncle Sam's violinist, been the younger, geekier, but nice, brother to the jock who get's all the girls, wearing that blue, white and red blazer we're always envious of. Well, Stats Can, those folks that collect every single stat they can about Canada in any given year, has reported Canada's murder rates have gone up! Fuck yeah!

For the past two years, gang related homicides has steadily risen, with spikes in Ontario and Alberta (what?) contributing to the jump. Hopefully this will help expel the notion of Canada being that quaint little (as in second largest land mass in the world) northerly neighbour to the badass Americans. We thugging it too, bro-ho!

Maybe now we can finally achieve that same level of respect the United States has had throughout the international community - as loud, ignorant and copiously trigger happy. Well, a guy can dream right?

Thugonomics fo' life, biotch!

UPDATE : In almost direct defiance of me, reports have begun springing up about how Ottawa, our very vanilla capital city, has rather low murder rates. What pansies! Hey Ottawa, too cool for the rest of us? God, I told you not to be situated so close to those Frenchies in Quebec. Before you try to be defiant to a general consensus, formulated through obscure statistical models, at least try to get a good hockey team together. The Senators are a fucking joke.

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Before any anime fanboys raise their hopes in expectation of a post about the classic Japanese animated feature about angsty teens, in angsty robots, fighting angsty angels in a battle to save a world full of emo's, know that this is not about that, but it is close.

Ted Haggard has resigned from being the big cheese of the 30 million member National Association for Evangelicals, amidst allegations of possible solicitations of the homosexual persuasian. Well, is this true? Who knows, I wasn't really paying attention. Should this even be an issue in today's progressive minded society? Eh, what can I say? So Sang, why are you even writing about it? Because I have a fucking quota, lest I go and psychologically scar toddlers (note, read post before this one).

So what does this mean for all of those Evangelicals out there? Not a hell of a lot, but what's really nice is that us Catholics are now not the only publically shamed Christian denomination. Thank God Teddy is gay. This way, media attention can finally be diverted, at least momentarilly, from our favourite, umm, "overloving" priests. I mean, sure, these priests molested children for God's sake, but Mr. Haggard is gay. Last time I checked, nowhere in the bible does it denounce monsterous exploitation of impressionable prepubescents, but sodomy and its ilk are divinely looked down upon.

So yeah, in the grand scheme of all things Christian :

Pedophilia : Okay.
Faggotry : Damned to hell.

Jesus approves "tapping" this, as long as it's not faggy.

The ills of Kim Jong

Now with a laptop, I can hopefully once again keep my blog updated more regularly from now on. Of course, I've done this comeback thing many times now, and of yet have not kept the promise, so this time I will present an ultimatum - if this isn't updated at least twice a week, I will personally commit seppuku in public, in front of a preschool filled with impressionable toddlers, making sure to get as much of my blood on them as possible.

Anyways, Kim Jong-il, that devilish little dictator of North Korea had finally gotten his birthday gift a few weeks back with the first succesful detonation of a nuclear bomb within his borders. Good for him. I'm sure he's full of glee. I think he deserves it. I mean, if a little Korean troll like him can get nuclear missiles, my future aspirations look mighty bright. Indeed!

Still, many are frightened at the prospect of a borderline sociopath having his hands on weapons of mass destruction, and an entire nation blindly following his every crazy command without a second thought (kinda like Sociologists, but not as ridiculous). That without immediate action, World War III shall begin, and the ensuing fallout will condemn mankind to a world of water, with small trade islands dispersed among the ocean, fresh water being the most sought after commodity and only one land left above sea level where mankind is promised to find salvation. A gloomy, yet highly adventurous, prospect.

I believe this will not happen, as Kim Jong-il has too many reasons not to start a nuclear holocaust. Here are some reasons why:

- If the world were to end, how would he procure enough hair product to keep up his magnificent pompadour?

That's right, Kimmy, no more Swaze for you!

- He's been known to be a huge film fan. I'm talking about kidnapping famous South Korean producer and actress huge, here. Well, with the inevitable electromagnetic blackout and, um, mass extinction, that nuclear war shall bring, Spielberg will have a hell of a time making more artificially stirring films.

- Being a Stalinist, due to his cruelty towards, well, anything, is actually a reason he won't launch an attack. Killing people slowly in rape camps is a lot more cruel than instantly incinerating them. I mean, where's the suffering in that?

- Kim is also an avid collector of foreign wines, with a cellar of 10,000 bottles of the sweet red nector. If he started a nuclear war, those grapes will be irreparably irradiated. Trust me, nuclear wine isn't very nice. Doesn't have the smothness a nicely aged Pinot Noir offers. Plus, it's kinda sour, in a toxic kind of way.

- Being a huge fan of Rambo, he would know better than anyone else not to mess with America and it's various one man armies.

- He loves Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan marginally disapproves of nuclear war.

Now, can you see why he wouldn't start anything? He's harmless, people. Get on with your lives. Take your kids to school, play some golf, make love to your significant other(s). But, of course, there are some minor reasons as to why he would launch his missiles in a pre-emptive strike.

- He's crazy.

- He's nuts.

- He's a monster of a human being.

- He's a monster of a demon in human clothes.

- He's kinda, really ugly. I'm talking barf in your mouth ugly.

- I think he's gay.

How The Raptors Will Wing This Year:

They will win because I said so. The end.

Now, for the real topic at hand - Catholic Priests: Menace to Society, or Just Children?

Being a devout (or at least as devout a latchkey child who havsn't been to a cathedral in 5 years can be), this has been a moral dilemna of mine for many hours now.

Superman Returns

Well, I recently went ahead and watched this movie, and hoo boy was it long. At over 2 hours and 40 minutes, I believe it is the longest superhero movie ever made (unless you consider Orlanda Bloom as a superhero). I even fell asleep for an unknown period of time, and when I woke up, it was still boring.

Here's the bad -

1) For a $260 MILLION movie, the thing only has two and a half set-pieces. The first involving a plane which was not as engaging as I thought it's be, the second involving Superman lifting an entire fucking island. Now, I'm not sure about DC's laws of physics, but this second stunt was so unbelievably over the top that it makes you ponder why the hell was he having so much trouble againt Kaiser Soze and Kumar. I mean, the guy can take bullets to the freaking EYE, and he's not good enough to kill all the bad guys before they even blink? Fine, Supes doesn't kill people, but he could have knocked all their asses out and bring them in in under 3 seconds flat.

2) Child actors - I HATE them. The only child actors I have had any form of respect for are Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning. One taught me the virtues of paying it forward, while the other one looks legitimately creepy. Now, I don't know whether or not the kid here (forgot his name and his character's name) has any abilities mainly due to the fact that he has about 3 lines in the entire movie and are usually less than four or five syllables long. And for being Supes' son (c'mon people, if you haven't figured this out by the time you saw the trailer, you are a retard) he doesn't look like him at all. Plus, he has asthma, unkempt hair and has that "I'm so cute because I'm precocious" vibe that I violently hate. If my child were to be that way, I would bring out the belt.

3) The story itself is absolutely ridiculous. Lex Luther planning to destroy America by sinking it into the ocean to be replaced by Kryptonian land - a land that is 100% uninhabitable by humans - so that he could sell it as prime real estate? The Lex Luther would never, ever, be so idiotic. Just selling the rights to research those crystals to various militaries around the world would net in much more than fucking real estate. Lex wants to rule the world, not destroy it.

4) The special effects really are hit and miss. Sometimes it's apeshit crazy, other times Smallville, with the green screen effects very prominent. For a post-200 million dollar movie, how the hell did they not make sure everything looks perfect?

5) I want a fucking supervillain. Superman already went up against Luther, why make him do it again? At the end of the day, Superman made it out without a SCRATCH (aside from phoney melodrama). Give me Doomsday, give me Brainiac, give me Bizzaro, give me Darkseid. Hell give me Titano, the space monkey that can shoot Kryptonite from his eyes. But putting Superman up against a retarded Luther and his human cronies = FAILED.

6) The biggest peeve I have is why the hell does nobody notice that Superman and Clark were both away for exactly the same amount of time? The very day Clark returns to the office is the day of Supermans triumphent return to the public forum, and the supposedly brilliant, pulitzer winning journalist Louis Lane doesn't see a connection at all. It takes her fiance Cyclops to point out the weird coincidences (Return date, height, build, etc) for her to consider it and she flat outright rejects the notion. Only the kid notices, but he's resigned to look back and forth between Clark and pictures of Superman.

So, did I like anythings? You bet!

1) Brandon Routh is the only true successor to Reeves I can imagaine. He nails the role perfectly, from the voice to the mannerisms to his dominating physical presence. He's suitably heroic as Supes and perfectly dorky as Clark. This kid's a keeper.

2) Kevin Spacey, although playing a retarded rendition of Luther, manages to steal every scene he's in. He's just so damn good and being evil. Go Spacey.

3) The movie just feels right. The opening title sequence is a 5 minute orgasm of nostalgia with the blue text blurring by. The music is also perfect.

4) Marlon Brando, back from the dead! His archived dialogue as Jor-El gave me shivers.

5) Although the effects weren't even and there were too few action scenes, what's there will suffice for being the kick start of a new Superman series of films. Everything is competently done, and a few things (like the chaingun sequence) are pretty crazy.

Well, there you have it, my attempt at a film review. The movie was definitely good, but not the triumphic return the man of steel deserves. But, hell, it's Superman so just go watch it. Let them know the property is still profitable and maybe next time we'll really get to see Superman really die (against Doomsday).

7.4112903 out of 11.46682

The Return!

I know, I know. Didn't this Sang fella do this already? Didn't he promise us new material two months ago and never delivered? Why should I trusts this prick ever again? He's not even my colour!

Well, my dear racist reader, here's the reason why I am back for keepses this time - I said I am.

But where the heck were ya?

I was away, kinda like Superman. They didn't really bother to elaborate on it in the $260 million movie, so why should I elaborate on it here, where I'm being paid absolutely zilch? Let's just say I went to Krypton for some business and pow, here I am.

So what do you have for us, oh wise and powerful one?

Not a whole lot right now, actually. I was just bored, it's 5 in the morning and I felt compelled to do something. I just finished a short story and I feel pretty damn good. Unfortunately my aspirations on writing a feature length novel has been somewhat dashed as I realized writing a novel is really hard and time consuming. And I could literally hear my heart break into tiny razor sharp shards, scraping away at my inner organs, whenever I realized my book sucks and needed to start over again. How Stephen King puts out 40 books a year, I'll never know.

Anyways, let's talk about something happy today - the NBA draft. Which was actually yesterday, but pay that no mind. The Toronto Raptors, under his lordship Prince Colangelo, decided to overlook proven NCAA talents such as nation leading scorer Adam Morrison and the explosive human pogo stick that is Tyrus Thomas to select Andrea Bargnani of Italy first overall. Well, Mr. Colangelo, I think you struck gold. Sure, he only averaged 11 points in the Euroleague whereas Morrison clocked 29 a game in the NCAA. Yes, he usually resorts to layups and babyhooks while Thomas flies over people. And fine, at 7 feet tall he's only 240 pounds, literally a stick man. But people fail to realize the plus side :

He's a Roman.

And last time I checked, Roman's were pretty kick ass. They toppled the Greek civilization, a civilization some would hail as the "Golden Era" in human history. They expanded their empire and fulfilled Alexander the Great's goals of dominating the known world (which by today's standard was only about the size of Ontario and Quebec). They created plumbing, expanded their culture, had gladiators and built some nifty buildings. They are the inspiration to up and coming empires like the United States. And overlooking Rome's inevitable decline due to political corruption, the barbarian hordes and the awesome might of christianity, history dicates that Bargnani will continue that tradition. He will lead the Raptors' dominance as they spread out and become the most fearsome basketball team in Ontario and parts of Quebec. High School and University teams shall whimper at their feet. The second Rome shall be found and its name is Toronto! Zeig Heil!

What? They play American teams?

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Umm...

Uhh...

Hmm...

Well....

You see...
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Look at the cute puppy!
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.....Hey Ed, where's the cute puppy pictures? What do you mean I burnt them with those classical books?

Well folks, where was I again? Oh right. The Orlando Magic made a great decision picking JJ Reddick 11th overall. That boy has the purest jump shot I've seen in a long time. Yep, that there was a great pick.

Well, to all it may concern - God speed.