The ills of Kim Jong

Now with a laptop, I can hopefully once again keep my blog updated more regularly from now on. Of course, I've done this comeback thing many times now, and of yet have not kept the promise, so this time I will present an ultimatum - if this isn't updated at least twice a week, I will personally commit seppuku in public, in front of a preschool filled with impressionable toddlers, making sure to get as much of my blood on them as possible.

Anyways, Kim Jong-il, that devilish little dictator of North Korea had finally gotten his birthday gift a few weeks back with the first succesful detonation of a nuclear bomb within his borders. Good for him. I'm sure he's full of glee. I think he deserves it. I mean, if a little Korean troll like him can get nuclear missiles, my future aspirations look mighty bright. Indeed!

Still, many are frightened at the prospect of a borderline sociopath having his hands on weapons of mass destruction, and an entire nation blindly following his every crazy command without a second thought (kinda like Sociologists, but not as ridiculous). That without immediate action, World War III shall begin, and the ensuing fallout will condemn mankind to a world of water, with small trade islands dispersed among the ocean, fresh water being the most sought after commodity and only one land left above sea level where mankind is promised to find salvation. A gloomy, yet highly adventurous, prospect.

I believe this will not happen, as Kim Jong-il has too many reasons not to start a nuclear holocaust. Here are some reasons why:

- If the world were to end, how would he procure enough hair product to keep up his magnificent pompadour?

That's right, Kimmy, no more Swaze for you!

- He's been known to be a huge film fan. I'm talking about kidnapping famous South Korean producer and actress huge, here. Well, with the inevitable electromagnetic blackout and, um, mass extinction, that nuclear war shall bring, Spielberg will have a hell of a time making more artificially stirring films.

- Being a Stalinist, due to his cruelty towards, well, anything, is actually a reason he won't launch an attack. Killing people slowly in rape camps is a lot more cruel than instantly incinerating them. I mean, where's the suffering in that?

- Kim is also an avid collector of foreign wines, with a cellar of 10,000 bottles of the sweet red nector. If he started a nuclear war, those grapes will be irreparably irradiated. Trust me, nuclear wine isn't very nice. Doesn't have the smothness a nicely aged Pinot Noir offers. Plus, it's kinda sour, in a toxic kind of way.

- Being a huge fan of Rambo, he would know better than anyone else not to mess with America and it's various one man armies.

- He loves Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan marginally disapproves of nuclear war.

Now, can you see why he wouldn't start anything? He's harmless, people. Get on with your lives. Take your kids to school, play some golf, make love to your significant other(s). But, of course, there are some minor reasons as to why he would launch his missiles in a pre-emptive strike.

- He's crazy.

- He's nuts.

- He's a monster of a human being.

- He's a monster of a demon in human clothes.

- He's kinda, really ugly. I'm talking barf in your mouth ugly.

- I think he's gay.