"I'm Back"

No, dear readers, this is not an article about The Terminator, like I had initially intended it to be. Instead, he'll need to take a backseat to some very unsettling news. Well, unsettling to the weak of heart (So surf away from hither, Mormons) and pussies. Osama bin Laden, or the 'Laden', as I like to refer to him as, has returned. A new audiotape surfaced earlier today, while I was in Biological Anthropology learning about horizontal genetic transmission instead of being here to report this shocking news to you, my readers, my friends, my, as the Japanese say it, nakama. For that a sacrifice on the alter of Cali will be performed tonight at 7:36 EST for my fellow loyal Christian readers out there that I have let down.

So, it turns out the Laden isn't dead like many have speculated. Out of the blue, the Laden has proclaimed that all of the hightened militeristic efforts and defense protocols have not wavered him and his fellow extremists in the least. I'll give you this - you have got some huge tomales, signore. In the audiotape that was broadcast on Al Jazeera (You guys really need new PR department) he tells us that we "will see it in your houses, God willing." And when he says "it" I highly doubt it meant Segways, in which was initially called 'IT' when it was still a prototype, leading masses to believe it to be a hovercraft, only to have their dreams shattered when it turned out to be a motorized wheelchair that forces you to stand up. Damn you Dean Kamen and your underwhelming product! So yeah, terrorist attacks in our own homes, and without a hovercraft to fly awaywith to safety, this is indeed a serious threat.

The fervour caused by this new audiotape means the Laden can still manipulate our mind sets like few other men have. Well, you know what? This couldn't be better. With the Laden constantly using such propaganda to fuel his Jihad, it will do nothing but keep the hunt for him on and give America yet another viable reason to invade Iran (With the 'n'). Even if he is somewhere in south Asia. I know, I know, excuses to invade anybody are for pussies (And if you've read this far, you are not), but with the ever growing number of hippies, and still no progress in methods to stop them, we need excuses now more then ever to quench their thirst for accountibility and overall queerness.

So, Laden, I must thank you for your unsubstantiated terrorist threats (post-9/11, of course). We need men like you to allow men like me to continue my struggle to stave off the hippy revolution. If you ever do grow out of this "Islam" phase of yours, the blood of Christ can save anyone. Of course, you'll still need to die, but at least you'll die Christian.


***NEWS FLASH***

Well, the human sacrifice went a little bit late (8:23 as of this update), and general rowdiness ensued, but it all eventually ended in a blood orgy of hawt proportions. I'm sure Jesus is pleased.