Alexander Keith, A Spokesman Undone

I'm usually okay with a lot of the things happening that happen in the world. Dick Cheney shot a senile old man in the face? Sure, okay, haha, I got over it. Mohamed cartoons outraging the Muslim world? Whatever, that's cool. New Abu Ghraib images depicting US troops at new depths of depravity in their torturing of imprisoned Iraqis? I whole-heartedly support the troops and what it takes to get keep those men and women over there alive, no matter how many Muslims are outraged. Guantanamo possibly closing down? Uncalled for UN. It's doing its job just fine, no matter how much outrage it is causing the Muslim world.

But now, I can tell you, dear readers, that I am a man broken. My spirit has been shattered. Early this morning, I came about information that my favourite beer spokesman (yes, 'man'), Robert Norman Smith, the angry Irishman of Alexander Keith commercial fame, was arrested on two counts of child pornography possession and one count of distribution. Honestly, look at that intense face and tell me, does that look like a Liberal to you? What you see is a man who knows his Canadian beer. A man who understand that putting a lemon on top of a beer is queer to the next level. That wasting any of that fine Nova Scotia brewed Indian pale ale is a sin to mankind. How dare the left wing media and their filthy cohorts in the Toronto police force take a Canadian icon, nay, HERO, into custody! I always believed in the justice inherent in the Canadian legal system. Until now.

I refuse to believe Robert could possibly do such a heinous, treacherous, castration worthy deed. Canadian courts, if you don't have a wink of evidence you best...
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It has come to my attention, now finally finishing the article after earlier rushing off to writhe in despair, to write that after the police raided his house, they were able to uncover over a thousand images and videos of children between 1 (!!!) and 12 in various acts of vaginal, anal, and oral sex acts.

Well, I am as red as an apple - with ANGER! Rob...no, Mr. Smith (you are no longer worthy of my recognition on a first name basis), you have shamed the proud heritage of Alexander Keith and his fine beer, brewed with care since 1820. You, good sir, are scum. I can't even believe you did what you did! Now, I feel dirty all over thinking I enjoyed your various commercial skits so thoroughly over the past two years. My God.

And, if it was only the pedophile thing, I would've been mad, but not seething with uncontrollable, tangible rage. No, that commenced when the investigators reported that not only did you drink Keith's (which is cool) but that you had Corona in there? Last time I checked, that was Mexican.

Robert Norman Smith - You are even worst than the pedophile you really are. You are a traitor to your nation. Corona, honestly. Corona. I feel sleepy and lazy just saying it.