Iran, I Ran So Far Away...

Destiny - An inevitable or necessary fate in which something is menat to endure or go through. Manifest Destiny - What will be happening to Iran very, very soon.

It is now known that Iran does indeed have the capability of arming themselves with a nuclear arsenal if they see fit for it to be, um, fit. Their poppycock excuse to divert our attentions away from their very own Little Boy and Fatwa Man? Why, that their current factories for enriching uranium is solely meant for the advancement of their energy program. Now, not wanting to be a skeptic glib that everyone else seems to be on the matter, but this is obviously bullshit.

Now, I really have no problem with them entering the now long dead nuclear arms race, amusing us all with their feeble attempts at mass destruction. What ticks me off, dear readers, is how small their testes are in the matter. If you're going to make a few WMDs, Iran, just say it. At least that way, the international community can be outwardly fearful and bigotted, instead of the veil of apprehensive cordialism that is currently being given to them.

Okay, okay, the threat of a US invasion is very real if Iran does indeed reveal plans for nuclear weaponry, it will finally giving Dubbya a half-decent excuse to take the oil (Which I desperately need, by the way). But Iraq never expressed any knowledge or want in possessing WMDs and they got their asses kicked with the right boot of Democracy (That's the one that loves you), anyways. So, you can either wait around and be shocked and appalled when US troops roll in and force you into a democratic society, or you can call it on your own terms and decide when this invasion will happen. All you have to say are three magical words - "We have one."

Well, the decision is up to you Iran (Which I believe is my second highest readership demographic, right behind those who rock - HARD!). Whatever your decision, let me give you an early and warm welcome into the world of democracy - it's free.

The End Cometh

Well, Canada has voted and the results are in - doom and despair. For whatever reason, the people of Canada has elected the side of Satan for the next electorial term. Instead of a strong government with competent individuals to run our great nation properly, with dignity, and, most importantly, with corruption we opt for a viable alternative. But why would the people want such a thing as good government? Of course they wouldn't. That would be too easy. The inherent logic in such a choice has obviously boggled the lumberjacks and logrollers of the land. Today is not only a sad day in Canadian history, but for the history of mankind, as it is the first signpost of the impending rapture. Sure, I may be snug and cozy in heaven, as I am destined to go, but I know that many of my heathen friends shall burn in hell, suffering a million years of agaonizing sodomy. That would mildly agitate me for awhile, and I hate being agitated.

But, as God is a forgiving man, with a heart three times the size of a regular, ordinary heart, he not only has a vastly superior cardiovascular network but also the compassion and love only an almighty creator can have. Even more than Shiva, and that's a lot of heart. I should know. So, for the next election, smarten up people. Just because Satan presents himself in the form of a solid fiscal policy, promises of change, and more accountable government, you don't have to fall for it. Evil is evil, no matter what everyone else says. Oh, and Mr. Harper? If you're reading this, you can tell your Dark Lord that I'm here, I'm Christian, and God damnit, I will prevail. Biotch.

Vote or Die...

....Internally, as we Canadians do not approve of such violent tactics, even if Sean Combs advises it. Well, here we are, on the eve of possibly the greatest Canadian election of the past 2 years. So, the question is, who do you vote for? Fret not, dear readers (Who are Canadian, a voter, and are of least 18 years of age) I am here to informally inform you on the matter at hand. Let's take a look at the candidates shall we?

Paul Martin, the current Prime Minister and the head of the Canadian Liberal Party. Not only is he a successful business man with a bazillion dollars, he was also once the Canadian Finance Minister so he knows how to run an economy. With him in power, Canada erased a $42 billion deficit and has consistently turned a surplus year and year again while cutting taxes by $100 billion over 5 years. Even with a minority government, the Liberals have been kicking ass and taking names, even French ones, and yet here they are, forced to set up an election due to a vote of non-confidence. And over what? A sponsorship scandal. It's not like the man killed anyone. Personally, I don't care how corrupt a government is, if tax a cuts while still maintaining healthcare and increasing yearly surpluses are possible. This man is a miracle worker and anyone with half a fucking brain will vote for him. He is one of the few Canadian politicians that can be hailed in the same breath as Abraham Lincoln, Ghandi, JFK, the Dalai Llama and others. The end. Fuck the other candidates.

So, that does it for the pre-Election 2006 report. If you vote for Stephen Harper, you are a child killing rapist cannibal. If you vote for Gilles DuCeppe, you are French and therefore are nothing to me. If you vote for Jack Layton you are a balding, middle-aged hemophiliac has been who just so happens to be a child killing rapist cannibal. And as for Jim Harris and the Green Party, if you are even thinking about it you are a hippy, and my master plan will deal with you in 3 years.

"I'm Back"

No, dear readers, this is not an article about The Terminator, like I had initially intended it to be. Instead, he'll need to take a backseat to some very unsettling news. Well, unsettling to the weak of heart (So surf away from hither, Mormons) and pussies. Osama bin Laden, or the 'Laden', as I like to refer to him as, has returned. A new audiotape surfaced earlier today, while I was in Biological Anthropology learning about horizontal genetic transmission instead of being here to report this shocking news to you, my readers, my friends, my, as the Japanese say it, nakama. For that a sacrifice on the alter of Cali will be performed tonight at 7:36 EST for my fellow loyal Christian readers out there that I have let down.

So, it turns out the Laden isn't dead like many have speculated. Out of the blue, the Laden has proclaimed that all of the hightened militeristic efforts and defense protocols have not wavered him and his fellow extremists in the least. I'll give you this - you have got some huge tomales, signore. In the audiotape that was broadcast on Al Jazeera (You guys really need new PR department) he tells us that we "will see it in your houses, God willing." And when he says "it" I highly doubt it meant Segways, in which was initially called 'IT' when it was still a prototype, leading masses to believe it to be a hovercraft, only to have their dreams shattered when it turned out to be a motorized wheelchair that forces you to stand up. Damn you Dean Kamen and your underwhelming product! So yeah, terrorist attacks in our own homes, and without a hovercraft to fly awaywith to safety, this is indeed a serious threat.

The fervour caused by this new audiotape means the Laden can still manipulate our mind sets like few other men have. Well, you know what? This couldn't be better. With the Laden constantly using such propaganda to fuel his Jihad, it will do nothing but keep the hunt for him on and give America yet another viable reason to invade Iran (With the 'n'). Even if he is somewhere in south Asia. I know, I know, excuses to invade anybody are for pussies (And if you've read this far, you are not), but with the ever growing number of hippies, and still no progress in methods to stop them, we need excuses now more then ever to quench their thirst for accountibility and overall queerness.

So, Laden, I must thank you for your unsubstantiated terrorist threats (post-9/11, of course). We need men like you to allow men like me to continue my struggle to stave off the hippy revolution. If you ever do grow out of this "Islam" phase of yours, the blood of Christ can save anyone. Of course, you'll still need to die, but at least you'll die Christian.


***NEWS FLASH***

Well, the human sacrifice went a little bit late (8:23 as of this update), and general rowdiness ensued, but it all eventually ended in a blood orgy of hawt proportions. I'm sure Jesus is pleased.

Oregon - Playing God. God Sad.

Sorry about the break in entries. Scholarly business had to be dealt with. High scholarly business.

Anyways, today marks a point in history (American, at least) where the unthinkable has occured. That's right - euthanasia is now legal in the once great state of Oregon. No, not actual youth in asia, which would form a paradox seeing as how legallized youth in Asia in a non-Asian state would make absolutely no sense. It's these kinds of thought processes that haunts me at night. Where was I? Right, euthanasia. The physician assisted suicide of patients is now legal in Oregon after the High Court (but not as high as my learningness) had a 6-3 vote in favour of the Death With Dignity Act. This means George Bush's interpretation of federal drug laws does not apply to Oregon. I feel for you, George.

So, this essentially means that any competent patient with a terminal illness can choose to legally terminate their shells of a life whenever they choose. And what say I? Let them. All they'll be doing if they aren't dead is drain the United States medical system of resources and manpower that could otherwise be delegated to keeping the more worthy in fighting condition, ready to survive the a ragtag world dictated upon social Darwinism. I mean, they're 'competent' and have a 'terminal illness.' If my English comprehension is correct, and I believe it very much so to be, these individuals are already screwed. Finite.

Now, I may sound like a heartless bastard, and have been accused on a daily basis as being one, but I am also one who appreciates living, no matter how viciously a disease is ravishing my well-being. No matter the emotional heartache I put those dearest to me through, watching me wither away, agony now the only concrete constant in my life. No matter the amounts of intestines I vacate through my rectum. Nay, I shall continue to live, because that's the way I am - a MAN. So let these pansies die, knowing that just because they asked a doctor to kill them doesn't let them off the suicide-hook. God knows better.

*NOTE* See that timestamp down there? Once again I beat Daily Show/Colbert Report to a story.

Hwang the Wang

It has surfaced today that Dr. Woo Suk Wang of South Korea, the man who reportedly had been the first person to successfully clone human embryos, is indeed a liar. With perhaps his pants on fire. Because of his astonishing reports. He was able to garner millions in support from a handful of estabishments, including the South Korean Government and the Seoul National University. If his research had indeed been true, it may have opened up doorways to finally eradicate the perplexing, and ever growing, problem of quadriplegics in our society. It may have even helped to prolong our lifespans, although doing so would be toying with God's mechanisms, and we all know he's a control freak.

Sure, it's still proven that the adorable Snuppy, a clone of another equally adorable Afghan hound, was proven to be, yes, a clone. But are humans dogs Dr. Hwang? We aren't animals like them. We aren't these creatures with hair all over (Well, maybe Italians). We are God's representation on earth, molded in his likeness.

So, what do you have to say Dr. Wang? And please, save the moon speak for someone who isn't xenophobic. You raised the expectations of the world and was one of my hopes for finally gaining immortality. It was your research that would have given me the method to create doubles of myself and, if Bill Gates and his proposed Internet Downloading revolution takes off, transfer my consciousness over. Now, Dr. Hwang, you've left me no choice but to go back to the dark magiks (With the 'k'), defying Christian teachings. You made me go against my brick-like virtues and beliefs. How does it feel to be the scapegoat in another man's personal moral dilemma? Bad, isn't it?

The Sharon Successor

Worthy successors to Ariel Sharon, who is obviously not going to last much longer, may seem hard to come by. Seen by many as the best hope to finally resolve the Palestinian-Israeli conlict at that Holy Place (I think Utah), he is currently in a medically induced coma after suffering a severe stroke. Sure, he's finally breathing on his own, but at 77, and not looking particularly healthy, The Jews now need a new leader. Here are two candidates many think are worthy enough to take over such a pivotal role in this volatile situation in Utah.

Ehud Olmert

The current de facto successor and also currently in power for the next one hundred days, Mr. Olmert is seen by many as the real successor to Sharon's cabinet. A current poll showed that many expect Olmert's Kadima to win 40 of the 120 parliamentary seats with him at the head of it.

Reason for such support may be because of the shock of Sharon's demise to the public and the need to cling onto something of his administration. It also helps that many see Olmert as being created by Sharon for the purpose of carrying out his agenda after his death. But with the Kadima party so intricately interwoven with Sharon's image (Their website is www.kadimasharon.org) how will one without him really proceed? Next up would be Amir Peretz...which means this is getting really boring, so...


Mel Gibson

Sure, he's an Australian. Yes, he's Catholic. And okay, he may even be an anti-semite. But he's also William Wallace, Mad Max, Martin Riggs. He is a bad ass which is exactly what the this conflict currently needs. Someone who can kick ass, take names, kick more ass, and probably not take names the second time around. He can ride on through his administration as Israeli Prime Minister with his dashing good looks and wicked sense of humour, lowering the guards of both Palestinians and Israelis and finally leading to peace. Christian peace. That's right. With Mel Gibson, the Christians will once again regain what was once ours and make it glorious again, just like in that movie Kingdom of Heaven. It would be hella cool if Gibson began wearing a golden mask.

Plus, with his Hollywood status, his movie productions would serve as a huge cash flow for the region, enriching all of its now Christian oppressed denizans. I can't see a more worthy candidate, and I hope Israel doesn't either. Come on Israel, grow some balls.

Russia, Give Ukraine Gas!

Russia has done it again. They have taken centre stage as being the biggest douches in the international community. Cutting Ukrainian oil supplies, citing the reason to be Ukraine is not paying the market price for the oil, but this is pure and utter bullshit. Everyone knows what this is all about, and fair market prices is not one of the reasons. If it was, Russia would have an excuse about the $50 per thousand cubic metre of gas that the Russian firendly Belarus pays. Instead, Russia continues to milk Ukrainians dry with a going price of $220.

No, as Waltor Derzko, a strategic planning consultant in Toronto puts it, this is "pure economic blackmail." But is it really that simple? Like the late Mother Teresa would say - "Fuck No, dillyo."

This matter stems right back to the cold war. Russia is punishing Ukraine for taking a more pro-Western stance in the world market. For trying to be free. It is as if Russia's ex-girlfriend started dating its worst enemy and now that they are weak and feeble, the worst they can do is act like a bunch of bitches. This is far more than purely economic blackmail, its cultural blackmail, and the free nations of the world will not stand for it.

This act is against all forms of democracy I know and guess what Mother Russia? We, the free, are not going roll over and let this go on unopposed. This is a breach of international conduct and people must be held responsible. Heads must roll. With God as my witness, we will topple the Russian government. We will go on to ravage its contryside until they get their heads out of their asses and sell their oil at a reasonable market price to the Ukraine. Blood will be spilt until then, children will be orphaned, kittens will be slaughtered, women will be scandalized, all of this in the name of freedom. All of this because the Russian government full are dicks. Pikes will be used. Many, many pikes and...

What's this? They're selling oil to North America at only $100 per thousand cubic metres of gas? Why, that's a pretty good bargain. Where was I again? Oh right, we, as an international community should reach out our hands and extend a gesture of friendship to the great nation of Russia, who's countryside and women will go unravished. Hail Mother Russia and her ample bosom of oil. Hail. Oil.

Stalin - A Man's Man. Died Young.

How A Loon Outpaced A President

That's right all pasty and plaided fellow Northern denizens, for the first time in years, the Canadian dollar has outperformed the American's in overall growth. Does that mean the loonie is worth more than the mighty American dollar? Hells no.
As of today, though, the Canadian dollar is at 86 cents to the American dollar, an achievement of astronomical proportions. Seeing that anything we consider greater than a reduction in McDonald's burger prices as astronomical. Hear that Bank of Canada? You're almost as great as the McDonald's Corporation. So what does this all mean?

It means us Canadians are beginning to kick ass, and it's about damn time. Ever since we sat out on the Iraqi War, I had come to the conclusion that we were lacking of balls. That we were no longer true men. That we had forsaken our long and proud lumberjacking, log rolling heritege of warriors. But now that our money can once again play with the big boys, although still quite gay in colour, our whole society and culture can follow suit. Listen people, we aren't French (As long as we exclude Quebec). We can do better. We too can rise to challenge of murdering thousands of innocents to ensure our middle eastern conglomerates can thrive. I believe, and I think you can too.