Jurassic Beaver

Greetings and salutations dear readers. After a week of hard biting, life-threatening study and presentations, I am back, and I am about as good as I was before - because really, I'm hard to top. I should know.

So, where to begin after my break? Why, what about talking about the finding of a Jurassic-Fucking-BEAVER? Not only was this finding an important peice to the evolutionary model of mammals, it showed that mammals had mastered water a full 100 million years prior to what was originally believed. How's them apples reptiles? You ain't the only dominant OG water dwelling species from the jurassic period anymore. Okay, I see you fishes looking at me, but honestly, any species or classification of animal that jizzes on their eggs was messed up, is messed up, and will go on being messed up. And quite inconsiderate of other water creatures nearby. I'm also pissed off with Pixar making fishes look good in stunning CGI, not showing the real grit and grime of the fishy underworld. You know Marlin came on all of those eggs at the beginning of the movie, and to think this filth is shown to our children is atrocious. And really, talking fish? What in Satan's hell was that about? Almost as bad as talking toys, who are obviously inanimate objects for the entertainment of children. If any toy were to move about, it would be because of Hoodoo, and that ain't no Voodoo, which is an acceptable alternative faith to Christianity.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right, beavers. Jurassic beavers! Okay, so not only does this prove that mammals were already on their way to dominence of this world, but it proves that Canadians are the true keepers of the world. Why? Because of this :

1. This beaver is 165 million years old, which means it is a dinosaur.
2. Dinosaurs kick ass.
3. Asses need to be kicked to rule the world.
4. The world is a sphere.
5. So is a basketball.
6. The NBA MVP is Canadian.
7. Canada's national animal is a beaver (Those who say Geese is a retard).
8. This jurassic beaver is an ancestor of today's beavers.
9. Eve had a beaver. Possibly a jurassic beaver.
10. This all then means we, the Canadians, descended from Adam and Eve, 6000 years ago.

So there you have it. After I get trained by the School of the Americas, I'll be ready to lead Canada to the apex of this world, for we were made from Eve's jurassic beaver!

Alexander Keith, A Spokesman Undone

I'm usually okay with a lot of the things happening that happen in the world. Dick Cheney shot a senile old man in the face? Sure, okay, haha, I got over it. Mohamed cartoons outraging the Muslim world? Whatever, that's cool. New Abu Ghraib images depicting US troops at new depths of depravity in their torturing of imprisoned Iraqis? I whole-heartedly support the troops and what it takes to get keep those men and women over there alive, no matter how many Muslims are outraged. Guantanamo possibly closing down? Uncalled for UN. It's doing its job just fine, no matter how much outrage it is causing the Muslim world.

But now, I can tell you, dear readers, that I am a man broken. My spirit has been shattered. Early this morning, I came about information that my favourite beer spokesman (yes, 'man'), Robert Norman Smith, the angry Irishman of Alexander Keith commercial fame, was arrested on two counts of child pornography possession and one count of distribution. Honestly, look at that intense face and tell me, does that look like a Liberal to you? What you see is a man who knows his Canadian beer. A man who understand that putting a lemon on top of a beer is queer to the next level. That wasting any of that fine Nova Scotia brewed Indian pale ale is a sin to mankind. How dare the left wing media and their filthy cohorts in the Toronto police force take a Canadian icon, nay, HERO, into custody! I always believed in the justice inherent in the Canadian legal system. Until now.

I refuse to believe Robert could possibly do such a heinous, treacherous, castration worthy deed. Canadian courts, if you don't have a wink of evidence you best...
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It has come to my attention, now finally finishing the article after earlier rushing off to writhe in despair, to write that after the police raided his house, they were able to uncover over a thousand images and videos of children between 1 (!!!) and 12 in various acts of vaginal, anal, and oral sex acts.

Well, I am as red as an apple - with ANGER! Rob...no, Mr. Smith (you are no longer worthy of my recognition on a first name basis), you have shamed the proud heritage of Alexander Keith and his fine beer, brewed with care since 1820. You, good sir, are scum. I can't even believe you did what you did! Now, I feel dirty all over thinking I enjoyed your various commercial skits so thoroughly over the past two years. My God.

And, if it was only the pedophile thing, I would've been mad, but not seething with uncontrollable, tangible rage. No, that commenced when the investigators reported that not only did you drink Keith's (which is cool) but that you had Corona in there? Last time I checked, that was Mexican.

Robert Norman Smith - You are even worst than the pedophile you really are. You are a traitor to your nation. Corona, honestly. Corona. I feel sleepy and lazy just saying it.

Dick Cheny Shoots 78 Year Old Man

Insert joke here...

Okay, done? Blah, blah, blah, Hary Whittington. Yadda, yadda, yadda, quails. Cuckadoodle-doo, in the face. Kawl, kawl, minor heart attack.

All in all, very fucking hilarious. What more can I say? Oh right, blar!




And that's the end of a pathetic stand in article to make it seem like I'm still doing something for the site. Really busy week, so sorry for not updating.

Super Kawaii This...

I don't usually call out people in my posts, which makes this post especially special because I'm calling out an entire subculture - Harajuku. Yes, I know it's technically just a district, but over the recent years it has apparantly become the "mecca" for Japanese fashion. Acclaimed for the new age, wildly designed outfits of its artistically impaired inhabitants, Harajuku has now begun to infect North American society through Gwen Stefani's viral social reformation campaign, and if these fashion freaks can get to even the wholesome Mrs. Stefani (I assume that because she is white, blond and extremely attractive. I'm sure her music is infused with God loving lyrics) then what more hope do we have? First they invade us with "mechs" and saucer eyed angsty teens, now they try to change our very way of dressing with their own fashions. And when I say "fashions," I mean this :

This, dear sensible readers, is not fashion. This is a taint upon the face of God's green (and now slightly brown) earth. Last time I checked, the only person that looks like this is satan. Look at those people mosing about in the background, almost completely unawares of the atrocity before them. Japan may now be an officially lost cause, doomed to the faggy gothic dresses and makeup, trying to rebel against that fine instituion I call conformity. Shame.

No, I am too much of an optimist to let this happen. Yohji Yamamoto shall not prevail. Japan has offered me, and you, far too much to just let them die a slow, unfashionable death. I am sure that if enough people band together to mount a large enough offensive, we can subjugate the Japanese and force them to turn back into the more traditional, and acceptable, outfits of yesteryear. All the while, with Japan's vast population, I am sure we can give each family within North America their very own Japanese person, able to do everything from calculus to programming vast computer programs. And if a family member ever gets sick, they can even nurse you back to health. I hear they have magical healing properties, imbued into colourfully decorated wands and staffs from some sun demon.

So, people, I'm sure that with our combined efforts we can turn this :

Into this :

(It was unbelievable the amount of porn I had to wade through to get this one picture)

Google Eyed

China, you've always had my respect. The only super power left in the world that could match, and even surpass, US forces in number and ability. A people thoroughly, and proudly, communist. A proud member of the eugenics club, limiting parents to only 2 children, and even allowing them to discard the unwanted females to ensure a more productive and levelheaded male dominated society. That was all cool.

Well, you just lost your groove, compadre. I was willing to accept a lot of illogical acts of government censorship from China, but to censor Google? The world's largest and most indepth search engine? Well, you just crossed a line. The line that dictates the freedom of human beings to be allowed to look up anything they want, be it hardcore scatological S&M, or how to bake some wholesome apple pie. Censoring movies and books over there was okay by my standards, because really, who the hell understands that garble you call a language? And what's with your words, man? Not even a decent alphabet to work with. So yeah, that wasn't that big of a deal. Running over some student protestors with tanks was within the bounds of reason, too. I mean, they were kinda scrawny so it was bound to happen that one of the drivers failed to see them.

But attacking the internet itself is wrong. By limiting the hits that google.cn displays will have a very personal effect for me. Why, if it is censored, how will you people possibly find my blog? To deprive your people of the joys of factual discourse featuring an unbendible personality such as I is a kin to allowing females to have prominent seats within your government, China! What was that? They already do? Dear lord, it's already too late.

China, I disown you. You no longer deserve to be related to my bloodline in anyway whatsoever. So go ahead, China, suck my right nut. Oh, and Google? You can suck the other one for bowing to their tyrannical demands. Zhang Ziyi, you can have the pole.

The Mohammed Affair

The Muslim world is in an uproar over 12 Danish cartoons depicting the Muslim world, and more importantly the prophet Mohammed himself, in a satirical manner. There are two wildly differing sides to the argument. The first side is that support of the cartoons is upholding the absolute freedom of speech (Unless you are Muslim) an individual is entitled to. AKA La Liberateurs. On the flipside are those outraged by the audacity and implicit/explicitly offensive nature and spirit of the comics. AKA the Muslims. So, dear readers, which of these two volatile sides is correct in this whole shindig? The answer is easy - the John Kerry view. That's right, I will not take a side in this matter in fear of either being hooted at by the European bourgeois or jihaded by Muslims. Indeed, for this one topic, I have lost my balls.

It's sad but true. I am now temporarily out of that hard-hitting, kamikaze spirit in which I am usually imbued. This is a topic that may be a bit too much out of my league. I once believed that that I can handle any news story with compsure and absolute confidence that anything I say, and its subsequent reactions, would be deflected off of my dashing bosom of manliness. No, not now. Not this.

That's right, I have become my worst nigtmare. A pussy...

Wait. What am I saying? Of course I haven't become a pussy. Hippies are pussies, and I'll be damned before I become a hippy. But in case this does outrage anyone, here it is in code so only the men among men can read...

ORTSGVM GSV UFXP FK, GSVBIV LMLB XZIGLLMH! ZMW SLMVGOB, GSVBIV WZMRHS! UFXP GSV WZMRHS!

Use atbash to decipher it. Now that took balls to say. In fact, that is so outrageous, even I am infuriated at myself. Time to boycott my blog. Who's with me?

Webbands!

I've been browsing blogs for a bit now and I see a growing trend within the community of inserting "webbands" onto the page on either the top right or left. These things were created to promote equality and general goodwill to your fellow man and, well, that's all right in my books. I personally hate anything on a webpage that may detract from the general enjoyment of the readers, but if it's a good annoyance like this and not one of those starving children commercials on TV, I can say I approve. Now, the website housing these webbands only contains a rather limited range of messages, and I sure as hell am not putting the ones about embracing diversity and queerness on, I did see one that characterizes this site, in my humble but right opinion, perfectly. If you read some previous posts, I think you will too!

Once Again...

...For the 3rd time in the blogs extremely short history (Going on a month and a half now), it has gone yet another transfiguration in template design. From the purdy blue and white to a more concrete and foreceful red and general solidness. I think the more utilitarian design suites it well. In a sense, this is a proper, intelligently deisgned evolution for the site. No randomness here, no sir. It almost feels as if I am an X-Men, except without all the God defiling mutant abilities.

Kama Sutra

I think it is appropriate to take time away from reporting the truth and having professional accountibility to discuss an issue of such grave magnitude and implication that even I must sit back and be agape with horror. If you have been keeping up with the news, you know exactly what I am speaking of - the "Kama Sutra" worm virus that has the internet community riled up over the potential disaster that it can do. If security experts are right, and ewho can really doubt the words of an expert, the nature of the virus is to activate itself and corrupt roughly 11 different file formats. Its method of transmission is through emails promising enticing young women in 'compromising' situations. The deadline for the current start up has already passed and the full extent will not be felt until after the weekend is over and a full diagnosis of the situation can be made.

So, how can a computer virus have me in a fit of unmitigating anger? Because it lies. When an email enters my inbox and promises me extreme erotica, my Christian morals will obviously push me to investigate the site further and learn of what, ahem, content it provides and how it may compromise the ideals of young men and women out there. I sacrifice myself into the world of double penetrations and snowballing creampies not out of lust, but out of love. For your morals. It's people like me that are needed to control the thoughts of people like you. Instead of gang banging vixens, though, this email will install a virus onto your computer. Although I myself have not yet suffered through such hideous satanic tactics, this will indeed be a threat to all of the other devoted holy men of the world seeking to subject their unbending moral fibres to the wickedness of the internet, becoming the new martyrs of the new digital age.

So, to whom ever created this vile virus I say this - How dare you use the guise of sexually soliciting emails as your mode of transporting dot com terrorism! If you were real men, you would have stated your emails as what they were. An email called "Virus" is something that that takes guts. You apparantly lack it. You want my respect? Next time do that. If not, at least name them "Save the Amazon rainforest," to trick a few Liberal, tree hugging, God hating hippies into opening it. At least that way you'll be doing some good for the world.

Intelligent Design vs Darwin

Okay, I know, the actual topic of intelligent design versus gradual evolution is pretty old, but I feel the need to reiterate the obvious yet again - Intelligent design is right. What is being touted as pseudoscientific drivel is in fact the definitive explanation on which our universe is created. I mean, to accept the logic of evolution would be to slander the only truly right thing this world has going for it right now : Christian science. By accepting that we are all derived from the bombastically ridiculous idea of random gene splicing evolution would be to kick Jesus in the right rib while he was being crucified. Last time I checked, that particular rib was already tender due to some...unfortunate events.

No, we are not some freak summation of random mutations through the eons. We, the rulers of this planet (no matter what those damn tree hugging, animal-rights avtivising, hippies want you to believe), did not gain our currently complex brains and austere exteriors by a 1 in a trillion chance. No, that is unacceptable, for I am too damn perfect for that to be so. Intelligent design dictates that the growth of most things in the universe all had a masculinely helping hand (goddess worshippers, you should know better. You, too, wiccans). There is just so much going for the human race, not to mention the rest of the planet, that giving credit to a random evolutionary process seems ignorant. Ignaramously ignorant.

Sure, all of you fancy pansy primatological anthropologists' out there point to the fact that Darwinism, the act of survival, the guiding key to evolutionary theory, is indeed not random. That it falls under a probabilistic flow of evolution in which the environment and species play off of each other, dictating a progressive stream of genetic mutations and speciation. That nature itself is balancing itself to allow the maximum progression of the strongest and most capable species to become greater and greater, until eventually the byproduct would itself be able to study her surreal mysteries in long, boring and drawn out debates. But guess what, logic and reasonable explanation isn't good enough. Especially where this logic comes from - scientists. We all know scientists, even the social ones, are satanists and hold blood orgies every fortnight, feasting upon the entrails of unborn fetuses, sucking out the brain stem in the name of the dark lord. Personally, that's a tad bit too shady for my likings.

So, dear readers, you have to make a decision for yourself. Take the evidence I have just given you and critically think about the pros and cons of each side and then choose intelligent design as the ultimate theory. That's the only feasible way to go.



Because you aren't child murdering cannibals now, are you?